Chapters 31-35
Part 2 of I’ll Tell You in a Little Bit
Was there a part 1?
I’m not sure.
But now Mike’s dead.
And from here on out,
I chose to keep going.
And I choose to keep going.
Chapter 31: Kerry
Chapter 32: The Funeral
Chapter 33: Grief
When Mike’s organs were shutting down, mine were working overtime. I could feel the rush of life and blood and air running through me.
On his final morning, it was cool, crisp, and sunny outside. But the second he was gone the air went thick, it took on weight, and humidity. All of the hospital adrenaline exited my body by the time I was outside.
I looked up and saw clouds in the cloudless sky. My brain went from sharp to mush. I went from wanting to live in only the present moment to not caring about the present moment. I continue to fill those first few days with unreliable memories, with nothing special. It was almost like I had already begun to take on his dead weight, almost like my own organs started failing me.
So this was anguish, I learned. Anguish moved in and took up all the space. It was heavy, gravel-like, thick, dark, bitter, angry, and unshakeable. I wondered if I looked swollen or drained or dead. It was visible and invisible. It would be a part of my life now. It clouded my vision, slurred my speech, it took away the ground I walked on.
